At the far end of town, there was a cold and misty Alleyway called Diagon Alley. Along the end of Diagon Alley, there was an old rusty shop that was abandoned. At seven o’clock in the morning, Hermione decided to go for a stroll so she gathered up her coat and put on her shoes, after 20 minutes of walking down an Alleyway in the distance she could see an old rusty shop that was built out of wood and bricks.
Slowly approaching the shop door she grabs the handle and pulls it down, creaking loudly as she slightly opens the door her head peeks around the corner of the door, only to see a thin white and black walls, and short dusty shelves, the shelves were buckled and bent and could only just hold the cleaning supplies from falling to the floor.
On the shelves there were cleaning supplies everywhere, all the cleaning supplies we’re out of date. Hermione thought to herself that she would fix up the shop and buy new cleaning products. After two weeks of fixing up the shop, she went out to get the supplies that she needed before the shop could open so she bought a vacuum cleaner, cleaning wipes, window cleaner, paper towels, brooms and dustpans, mops, oven cleaner, feather duster, wood polish and more.
The next day Hermione’s on her way back to the shop for the first day of business. when she arrives at the shop there was already a long line of people standing to wait in front of the door ready for her to open the shop up. The first day of the little black and white shop being open was a very busy day for Hermione she thought for the first day of it being open that is was a very successful day. The second day that the shop was open it was calm and quiet, not many people came into the shop that day compared to the first day.
After a few months of the shop being open Hermonie made a profit from the shop. The shop was open for a long time and over the years it kept on growing in size.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Taylor,
Here is some feedback.
Pay attention to your spelling, grammar, punctuation and capital letters. There are some errors popping up in your work that you need to identify and correct.
You are changing from past to present tense on occasion. You need to make sure that you are consistent with this. Either it has already happened or it is happening at that exact moment. It can’t be both.
Remember this is about the description of the shop, not about creating a narrative. Detail of what the shop looks, smells and sounds like is what is important.
Keep at it.
Mr Johnson
Hi Taylor,
You are repeating certain words or phrases throughout your pieces. Try to add greater variety in your descriptions to enhance your writing.
Remember this is about the description of the shop. The building and the things inside it. Not about a narrative. This means it is not about creating a plot or story around the story, the description is the only part that matters.
Mr Johnson